Are You Meeting the Basic Needs of Your Relationships?

When I chose the image for this post, what immediately came to mind was the crocus flower. As an avid gardener, and for anyone who gets excited at the first sign of spring following the cold and snowy mid-west winters, the Crocus is a beautiful sight! It is also a very symbolic flower-- It's the first sign of life when everything else is still dormant, and it literally begins blooming after it emerges through the snow. I think it's a powerful symbol that represents how things can grow and thrive in seemingly harsh conditions, as long as it's needs are being met. This includes our relationships!

What do relationships need?

As you read through each of the following basic needs, I encourage you to ask yourself if you are providing each of them for your relationships. Think about how you can be more mindful of nurturing your relationships in each of these needs:

· Safety

Most people think of physical safety when they first try to describe how they feel “safe”—But safety in relationships also means feeling emotionally safe, mentally safe, as well as physically safe. What does this mean? In order to have connection and intimacy, your relationships need to feel safe. If someone doesn’t feel safe with you, they more than likely won’t be able to become closer to you in relationship.

Emotional safety means that someone is able to share their feelings without being ridiculed or rejected and can expect a genuine sense of empathy and validation from sharing their feelings. Emotional safety means mindfulness and noticing when someone is emotionally struggling and showing concern or care for what they recognize in the other person. It also means following up with them to see how they might be doing (remembering). Emotional safety means that when you share your feelings with someone, they don’t shut down, become defensive or reactive, and can receive your feelings without silent treatment or being passive aggressive. It means feeling heard and nurtured in your emotions, and feeling connected to another person emotionally. Emotional safety recognizes balance in relationships and doesn’t make it all about you when you are hurting, but fail to recognize the hurt in another—it’s a two way street that is reciprocal.

Mental safety means the safety of sharing your deepest thoughts and opinions with someone and having those thoughts received with respect for you as an individual. It means being able to disagree (respectfully) without feeling punished or shamed. Mental safety means not making another person “bad” for what they believe, or for being different than you.

And, of course, physical safety means the safety from physical harm in your relationships. It means not threatening another person to leave when you are feeling hurt, and not using physical intimidation to get your way (control). It means allowing another person to have their space without steamrolling them physically or hijacking them emotionally. It means never laying a hand on another person and not raging at inanimate objects (like punching holes in walls, slamming doors, breaking things).

· Self-worth

Self-worth means the overall feeling that you are a good person, regardless of your flaws, and a human being that deserves to be treated with respect. Self-worth is how we value ourselves as individuals and how we perceive our worth to the world, based on the unique characteristics that make up our personality. It means not feeling like you have to be perfect in order to be loved and valued, as well as respected. Self-worth in relationships mean not being shamed or insulted for these unique parts of our self. Self-worth needs to start with how you view yourself before it can be received in any relationship. I once read a quote (author unknown) that said “You yourself, more than anyone in the entire universe, deserve your own love and affection”.

· Identity

Identity, in a really over-simplified description, is the many parts of us that make up the self. It is the descriptions we have of our innermost selves and our relationships with others, as well as the roles we have in our life. This could be your identity as a kind and loving, safe person; a mom or spouse; your passions and interests or hobbies that make up a part of who you are; how you identify (or don’t identify) with your gender or environment; or your career. It could be part of how you see your personality—are you an introvert or extrovert? Do you love being social and feel outgoing, or are you shy and hold back until you feel safer to join in? Identity could also include how you see yourself as an emotional being—are you passionate and sensitive, or do you tend to be oblivious and self-focused, losing sight of the important relationships in your life? There are so many parts that make up our identity or our “self”. Many of my clients in therapy are working towards trying to gain a better understanding of their true identity, whether in intimate relationships or as an individual, and learning to love the parts of their identity they have buried or denied early in life (usually to try and become who they thought they should be in order to please someone else). Identity should not be derived from who others think we should be, nor who they want us to be.

· Belonging

Belonging means knowing that we have a place where we fit in to the relationship. It’s knowing that you are important to another person (because they consistently tell you and show you through their behavior and treatment). Belonging is knowing where you stand with another person or group and feeling worth and value to the relationship. It means feeling included and cherished for what you bring to the relationship. It’s a connection to others and a connection to groups, where it is welcoming, safe and warm.

· Fun

Fun is pretty self-explanatory, but in it’s most simple form, it is the ability to appropriately let go of seriousness and embrace the goofy, silly or spontaneous part of life to feed your soul. It’s allowing yourself to not be so caught up in the heavy and responsible part of life that you become out of balance and empty. Fun is kind of like re-connecting with the little kid inside of us, to experience the world with joy and passion. For some people, depending on their role in their family of origin growing up, it’s not so easy to do!

· Power

Many of my clients, when first hearing me say the word “power”, immediately think of the unhealthiest form of power, which is control (or being controlling to another person). In basic needs, that is not the form of power I’m referring to (thank goodness!). The basic need for power is more about feeling an appropriate amount of personal power, or feeling empowered in your life and relationships. It means having an equitable balance of power in your personal relationships and allowing the other person to have an equal amount of power, or not feeling powerless in your relationship. Many of my clients also equate this with feeling respected. A healthy balance of power means not steamrolling another person to get your way. It also means taking responsibility for the things you need to do in a relationship and not putting it all on another person. This could be in areas like decision making, division of responsibility in the home (for couples), finances, and many other areas. This is a very common theme in marriage counseling, and one that brings a lot of couples in the door of therapy.

· Love

Love is a different definition for each individual, based on the unique way they need to feel loved (spending time together, having connected conversations, receiving special gifts or surprise notes, hearing from another person how much they are valued and appreciated, or spending time physically close, whether it is through non-sexual touch and affectionate gestures, or sexual touch for couples). Basically, love is an intense feeling of deep connection.

· Freedom

Freedom is feeling the personal power to act, think, speak or believe in a manner that is personally needed or wanted, without feeling restrained. Freedom means having the space in relationships to be your authentic self. Clearly, freedom can’t be without filters or respect for others in a relationship, but freedom in most relationships means being able to meet your own needs outside of the relationship without feeling held back or punished (when meeting those needs does not cross any relationship boundaries or cause harm to the other person/people in the relationship). Freedom in marriage means being accountable for equal division of responsibilities in the home, so your spouse doesn’t feel overwhelmed and responsible for the majority of the household tasks. In a family system, freedom with parenting means being responsible for an appropriate amount of parenting responsibilities and not putting that on your spouse, where they have no time left over for self-care. In parenting kids, freedom means allowing your kids to individuate from your family in an age appropriate way, as they get older and grow into an identity that is separate from you. Freedom in friendship means allowing the other person the space to make their own choices, as well as the freedom to be friends with others, too.

What did you notice when reading through these basic needs? Did you notice areas where you need to invest more in your important relationships? Or, perhaps you noticed some areas where you are not getting those needs met in your own relationships. Either way, it can be a very powerful tool for relationships to be aware of these needs, so we can consistently work on being healthier in all of our relationships! One last thought: Are you meeting your OWN needs before expecting another person to meet them? We can't ask from someone what we aren't doing for ourselves!

Joleen is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Indiana, where she has been in practice for 20 years. She specializes in marriage counseling, relationship counseling, family counseling and individual counseling, serving the Indianapolis areas of Carmel, Zionsville, Fishers and Westfield.